Let’s face it: your love life fell apart in the past few years. That one flirtation on Instagram came to nothing, your Tinder is as dry as [REDACTED], and your mother is now sending you links of cats to adopt. This upcoming Valentine’s Day, all you want to do is sit, cry, and eat ice-cream. I can’t do anything about the last thing, but I can certainly help the first.
This is a quick, 10 song playlist with some absolutely depressing bangers to let it flow to. If you’re not crying, you’re laughing, but if you’re laughing, you’re about to be committed. So let’s get down and miserable to these tracks.
Heads up, I’ve never found love.
You Sent Me Flying – Amy Winehouse
We’re starting this off with the absolute saddest break up ballad I have ever heard. Maybe. This 2003 track from Amy Winehouse is about two things, and they’re infidelity, and getting caught. But even if you haven’t completely annihilated your relationship by listening to the stupid, short-sighted part of your brain, this is devastating.
And now I feel so small discovering you knew
How much more torture would you put me through?
You probably saw me laughing at all your jokes
Or How I did not mind when you stole all my smokes
You could have been on either side of this situation. The cheater, heavy with guilt, trying to play it off a little too cool. The cheatee (?), aware you’re being played, letting it slide because confirming it means ending it. Or maybe you’re just alone, and afraid that this would be the outcome if you let yourself get vulnerable.
My only advice is, for the sake of this list, don’t let it continue to the second half, where Winehouse talks about her guitar like it’s somebody she’s cheating with. It is a very fun song, so keep it in your back pocket for later. But it kind of ruins the vibe, don’t you think?
Where I Stood – Missy Higgins
Keeping on track, you’re alone. Staring into the mirror, or scrolling through that certain somebody’s Instagram page. Maybe you’re checking their tagged pictures. But there’s somebody you’re keeping an eye out for…that new shoulder, that strange hand, a laugh in the background of their story.
Yep, they found love again, and you’re sitting in a robe with unwashed hair. While you’ve struggled on a few dates, and thrown yourself into work, or Twitter, someone else has slotted into where you were. Where you stood in the days before it all ended.
This is the song to feel territorial to.
‘Cause I don’t know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I Know know if I could stand, another hand, upon you
All I know is that I should
‘Cause she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
Yes, you’re not together for a reason. But you don’t have to like it. And today, while happy couples celebrate together under moonlight, and get to feel a warm body beside them after getting a little drunk, you’re here. Listening to a playlist some man made on Substack for you. A man you’ll never even meet in person.
Angels Like You – Miley Cyrus
The breakup ballads keep rolling with this wistful, little interlude. Whatever feelings of superiority you had post-breakup are gone. Washed away by the knowledge that you haven’t found anyone better yet. Maybe it’s only been as little as a day, or a week, or thirteen years. But today is a day to look back with rose tinted glasses.
Miley Cyrus is going to croon to you as that second glass empties out and that tipsy brain of yours starts to remember the best times. That night by the river. A date with a great band playing in the back. Maybe a proposal you now wish had gone differently.
Tonight, mother says, “You don’t look happy”
Close your eyes
You really hurt them.
Think about that.
Liquid Smooth – Mitski
You’re also hurt.
Youth is a commodity, and at [INSERT AGE HERE], you’re certainly not getting any younger. Retinol and sunscreen cannot stop gravity, sun damage and pain from etching the truth on your face. If love is attainable, it’s harder to capture than lust.
So, we’re going to listen to the ultimate “my window has passed” track, about knowing that if anyone is going to want you, it should be now. You’re alive and fresh and ready to be taken. But that can only last so long, and on a day when love is meant to flourish, it hasn’t for you.
I’m liquid smooth, come touch me, too
And feel my skin and plump and full of life
I’m in my prime
For the best effect, listen while standing under fluorescent lights, with a hand mirror.
Hentai – Rosalia
We’re past the point of needing to understand lyrics for English speakers, best believe that. But even if you do understand Rosalia’s Spanish, this is an excellent ballad to cry to. Is it breakup music? No. But you’re certainly alone now.
A ballad about yearning in love is going to hurt so bad in this moment, because you’re alone, and aching to remember what it’s like to not be. As Rosalia sings out “So so so so so good, good, good”, you’ll know you have it so so so so so bad.
Bad.
Bad.
Just let the piano, strings, and vibe carry you into a gentle weep. Don’t worry, this is the last bitter sob you’ll get tonight. We’re about to get pissed off.
4th Baby Mama – Summer Walker
Fuck it, you’re alone. That’s the honest to god truth. But who’s fault is it? That asshole that left you in this state, by yourself, because they never bothered to meet you where you were.
Maybe you’re not in the situation Summer Walker is in. I mean, I pray and hope you’re not. But even if you’re not one in a chain of parents, you’re still at the mercy of someone a mother raised wrong. She doesn’t have to deal with the pain of being abandoned today.
I wanna start with your mama
She should have whooped your ass
Damn right she should have. You’re too good for the drama.
Don’t Waste Your Time – Kelly Clarkson
Maybe that relationship didn’t end in a flurry of babies. That’s probably for the best. But, like most break ups, I bet they tried to stick around as a “friend”. Somebody to waste your time by trying to maintain a façade of maturity, even as your life has collapsed into whatever it is you’d describe the tender solitude this is.
You stay, but what does that mean?
Do you think that I honestly, want to be reminded
Forever?
That’s the utmost in selfishness. The only person who’s life is improved by them sticking around and keeping some form of relationship going is them. You might have been able to keep it going for a while, but this is your chance.
Block their number…now.
We Need A Resolution – Aaliyah
You may have shut them out now, but are you ready to let the pain go? No, then good. I need you to pull out a pen and paper to start listing exactly what that pain is. You need a resolution to what happened.
Now, if it’s as obvious as late nights with no explanation, that’s easy. Assume the worst and start writing all the worst shit you can about them to get it out. But if it’s just over, find something to be mad about. If it’s just that you’re alone, we can work with that.
Am I supposed to change? Are you supposed to change?
Who should be hurt? And will we remain?
We need a resolution, we need a resolution
Look at that paper and ask yourself, is the resolution that it’s over? Yes, it is. The only more permanent thing would be death, and this isn’t that type of newsletter. We’re purposefully not listening to SZA’s her hit murder bop ‘Kill Bill’, or Chloe x Halle’s in ‘Tipsy’. Maybe another time.
But this chapter of your life is officially closed.
Time to mourn.
Mistake – Stephanie McIntosh
They’re officially gone from your life forever. Thank whatever you pray to (if you don’t pray, start a religion around me?) and grab another glass of whatever is left in the fridge. We’re about to start yelling song lyrics loud enough that the neighbours will make a noise complaint.
This was a mistake. Not tonight. Valentine’s Day needs to be cathartic for the single and lonely amongst us. But that entire relationship was a not necessary, and now you’re ready to admit it.
Don’t want to be caught in the moment
That never comes
Is it too much to ask
That real love will find me
I won’t get stunt, I’ll find the one
But
I DON’T WANT TO MAKE ANOTHER MISTAKE LIKE YOU
Doesn’t it feel good to scream it out, let a few more angry tears eek out while the night is still young, and know you’ve won. They’re them – the mistake – and you’re awesome.
Brilliant.
Sexy.
An absolute delight.
Grab something out of the cupboard to eat, because you need something with sustenance, and let the last song play through. We’re not quite done yet. There’s one more step to the playlist before we move on with our lives.
Cool People – Chloe x Halle
That’s right, this fucker was about the power of friendship all along. Bet you did you expect that! Which makes sense, considering this all started with a bunch of tear bait because I was creating a journey. But we’re at the end.
Because all through this, you were being silly. You’re not alone. You have Steve.
Or Brenda.
Michael.
Brandon.
Mrs. Elkstone from three doors down.
Whoever you turn to in times of need, they’re who you have today. Which is absolutely amazing. And this song is about more than just romance. There’s love without it, and it can be just as fulfilling.
Cause darling when you smile it’s like the rain dries out
Now there’s no more room for clouds
Got me singing Hallelu, ah Hallelu, oh
When you hold my hand it just reminds me of
There’s still cool people in the world
I want you to send that cool person a goodnight text tonight. Not your ex, not whoever you’ve been crushing on at work. Find that contact in your phone, and make sure you extend a hand out before going to bed.
You’ve got cool people.
So, we’re done.
If that didn’t do anything for you, I can’t help you. Literally, I can’t do anything to make your day better. I have no therapy experience, and even if I did, this is a newsletter. An article. A blog. I do not know you from a stranger on the train. What you’ve read is about what I can do, so maybe just start the listening party again?
If you actually listen to this on Valentines Day, let me know if you actually cried.