Celebrities I thought were Australian

As it says on the tin.

I feel like there was a time when everyone was surprised that certain singers, actors and random celebrities WERE Australian. There’s something about established heavy hitters in Hollywood not being locals that can be a bit shocking. But as someone who lives in the funhouse mirror version of Florida (Queensland, Australia) I’m here to say we go through the exact same thing. So here I have a list of celebrities that I fully assumed were Australian, either off of vibes, or misinformation. Sometimes both.

Nick Lachey

This one is pretty easy to make sense of. His one hit song, ‘What’s Left of Me’, was on a compilation CD with other songs I heard on the Australian radio. Being like eight or so, I assumed he was Australian. Also he looks like a rugby player. Case closed.

P!NK

This one is more a side effect of our media’s obsession with her. I grew up during a time when Pink was considered the “real musician” of the pop girls who came up in the late 1990s/early 2000s. And if the Aussie media loves one thing, it’s a “real musician”. She was everywhere.

Now, like most countries that exist mostly as dead end stops on the world tours of the biggest acts in the world, her stops over here are a big deal. Especially big, considering how insanely popular she seems to have always been.

Most acts do one or two shows in the big cities while they’re here. During her most recent stop in Melbourne, Victoria, Pink played nine shows. NINE. The public obsession convinced me she was one of ours, because the only celebrities the media ever seems to care about this much are locals. There is a reverence her name brings that only Olivia Newton-John and Kylie Minogue have ever brought out on the news. It’s astounding.

Tom Brady

I have never once in my life known anything about sports and when I heard people talking about a “footballer”, I assumed he was from Sydney or something. After mentioning this man as my favourite “footy player” because I’d been told he was the best, I was quickly corrected by a cousin who was disgusted I didn’t know a single Australian sporting celebrity. It was embarrassing.

Anyway, I’m Team Gisele in the divorce.

Justin Bieber

This one is a pretty brief window of stupid but it’s imperative I tell this story. I may die if I don’t.

So back in primary school, there was this girl who was among the YouTube era Justin Bieber fans, and she talked about him incessantly. Like, literally every day. I cannot remember her name, but I can remember the constant talk about some boy named Justin who sang on the internet. Because I had no idea how the internet worked, I assumed that you could only see videos of people in the same country as you. Thus, when she played ‘One Time’ for everyone, I assumed we had a new Australian pop star.

Imagine my surprise that the fucker was Canadian.

So, girl-I-don’t-remember-the-name-of-but-maybe-Samantha, you’ve made me carry this memory for too long! Now it’s out there, I can finally be my true self. And literally never think about this man again.

Princess Diana

I had her and the Crown Princess of Denmark, Mary Donaldson, mixed up in my head for a very long time. Coupled with “the People’s Princess’ moniker and I just assumed she was from around here. It’s actually why I came up with a plan to marry my mother off to Prince Charles. No, I didn’t know who he was, I just knew he needed a wife and I liked the idea of being a Prince too.

Sue me, I was so very young back then.

Tina Turner

NUTBUSH CITY LIMITS!

Dancing to ‘Nutbush City Limits’ in a hot hall on a Friday surrounded by children so enthusiastic about this literal anthem is, to my surprise, not a uniquely Australian experience. Growing up, this was like a more beloved ‘Macarena’ to me. The song of every summer. I just absorbed the icon Tina Turner as part of my own identity.

Part of this is obviously my extreme youth. I’m sixteen forever for tax purposes. But growing up well after Tina Turner had ascended to legend status, she was just someone refered to. Her soundtrack hit for Mad Max tied her to unfortunate Australian representation of Mel Gibson, and I just had her as part of my psyche. I thought I was special for thinking Proud Mary was the better song. She was just…there.

Unlike many of these stories, there isn’t actually a moment of clarity for me here. I know, logically, that Tina Turner is not a woman who grew up in Sydney and is thus part of the Australian media landscape. Practically, I’ve seen Angela Bassett do her extreme justice. Emotionally, she’s two steps away from having literally raised me.

So that was embarrassing. And yet, I feel free.

There will be no equal but opposite sequel to this one. I have never been surprised a celebrity is Australian. The women all look like Shazzas (shaz-ahs) and the men all look like Lachies (lock-ees). There’s an energy about them that you can just sense.

Also, I can promise you that they’ve been the topic of at least fifteen morning show segments specifically about their “hometown roots”. With it without their presence. We’re obsessed with our own. I’ve heard more about Isla Fisher than Sacha Baron Cohen ever will.

Goodbye!