A few months back, I quit my job. Why? I was deeply unhappy (not necessarily the job’s fault) and needed to take a beat to re-evaluate my life after 2024 proved to be the worst year of my life. That year I spent months consistently feeling ill, struggled to calibrate work/life balance, and basically collapsed over the holiday break. It was bad.
I don’t talk much about my personal life and mental health online, because it is really nobody’s business. There is no reason people who do not see me in person should know about anything I don’t want them to. But for the sake of transparency, I have spent almost a year weighed down by grief. Not for people I was necessarily close to, but family friends and acquaintances. This, paid with health episodes for several people I was close to, was extremely stressful. Then my grandmother died.
All of this is to say, I have found a lifeline over the past year in slowly prioritising my health and making choices that bring me joy. Not a novel concept, but one I needed to actively seek out, as the world does not necessarily encourage anyone to put their basic needs before anything else.
All of this is to say, I’ve spent some time recently playing around with food to find recipes and flavours that I can enjoy without falling into behaviours like binging, or just generally eating high calorie meals. My weight has always been an issue for me, but this year has seen me fall into some terrible habits.
I missed the great bean revolution that defined a lot of food influencers during the pandemic. Having been raised on beans solely as a English-style breakfast accompaniment that was eaten out of obligation, they had been tainted from childhood. Plus, I have never thought of myself as “a cook”. A baker? Sure - my two blue ribbons from submitting to the Gold Coast Show at 14 years old attest to that. But in terms of savoury meals, I have always considered myself more competent than particularly talented. There was never any desire to go beyond that.
Then, of course, there’s the weightloss element. The last time I focused on that, I eventually gave myself an eating disorder and frequently ate a single chicken breast, poorly cooked in a non-stick pan, and paired with half a cup of peas. That was my “big” meal. Starving myself led to a snap where I ended up gaining more weight back than I’d lost in the first place.
I have tried “intuitive eating”, which just does not work for me. No matter what I eat, I never feel full. Unless I am happy, which is a separate but connected issue. Part of me wanted to give up. But I also recognised that I needed to lose weight for my health and happiness, so…where do I go from here?
Enter Justine Doiron, online food personality and bean enthusiast.
I want to say upfront that I recognise my goal to lose weight is in direct conflict with Doiron’s stance on food and health. She’s touched on her own battles with food and a culture of thinness before, and I respect that wholeheartedly. But this is less about eating for weightloss, and more about improving my own relationship to food.
Beans have proven to be a staple of my diet, particularly after finding myself unemployed. Not just for money reasons, but because they fill me up. They make me feel like a person for an extended period of time. Plus, I can make them taste good.
Part of what drew me into Doiron’s content was how bright it was. Both literally and in tone. Her brand of confident, human narration is charming, and there’s a professionalism to her work that doesn’t come off as sterile, unlike other online cooks. But her personality never slips into the forced cheekiness of others. I know this is a front, but so much of what was being fed to me online was negative or overly, pathetically analytical.
Posturing in early adulthood is normal. College kids pretending they know the world, older brothers who smoke weed and talk about conspiracy theories. Life is full of silly little archetypes that confirm the same thing over and over again. But as I have stopped feeling so uncomfortable in my role as “a grown man”, I’ve found myself slowly repulsed by the internet. And more importantly, who I am and who I have been on the internet.
Again, not anything unique to me.
But part of this is just a craving for people with new goals. I understand that authenticity is a currency, but why must it go hand in hand with meanness and a distinct lack of empathy? Why am I so mean to myself?
I’ve always adored pop as a concept. Pop music. Pop culture. Pop movies. Popcorn. But I’m 27. I also crave substance. I want to feel full. Beans do that. And if the pathway to bean culture was watching a pleasant blonde woman cook food in a beautiful kitchen while throwing in an “imperfect” shot or two - I’m fine with that.
Part of me recognises that this is all probably just a natural part of growing up, or some sort of delayed trauma response to stress and grief. Food has definitely played a part in my response to my grandmother’s death. I crave a certain brand of pork brawn to make the sandwiches she introduced me to as a child. It is no longer sold anywhere near me and I cannot order it. My desire for it is somewhat silly and irrational. It won’t bring her back if I can make that sandwich again.
But I don’t care. I want to feel better. No matter how much I rationalise myself, the journey to who I am today has been hard and painful. That must end at some point. So if that means beans and recalibrating my trajectory, so be it.
I’ve made a lot of changes in the past twelve months. I listen to less pop music and music in general. My focus is on enjoying things and finding a balance between media with substance and media that I can enjoy in a braindead way. My job hunt has shifted towards roles I think I’d actually enjoy. I eat food that makes me feel satiated, even if I sometimes crave chocolate and pizza - which are not bad in their own right, but dangerous for me at the moment.
This should not be taken as a “now I’m fixed” screed. I’m certainly not. But I have always considered myself in control of my own life, so making better choices has always been the goal. If beans are the gateway to happiness, then so be it. There will be balance, even if I have to force it.
I’m better off than I was. Hopefully.